The very charming, very handsome Oscar Hillerstrom – aka Captain – of Sci-Fi TV probed me like I was some sort of alien abductee about all things bad in the year of bad movies.
The results are surprisingly pleasant.
Read that here if you dare!
And remember to let me know what your suckiest cinematic experiences have been! I look forward to tracking some of your atrocities down for myself.
Click “Your Say” up top to — as marketing types say — “join the conversation”.
The 91-year-old veteran actor, known as a nerd-type before even the venerable Eddie Deezen appeared on the scene, has passed away of pneumonia at Newton-Wellesley Hospital in Massachusetts.
Though distinctive in appearance — always with the geeky glasses — Arnold Stang is best remembered for voicing Top Cat in the 1960s cartoon.
But bad movie aficionados treasure him for being the “other” Arnold in 1970’s Hercules In New York, which marked the film debut of muscle-bound Arnold Strong, who’d later revert to his real surname: Schwarzenegger.
In the crapulous cult comedy, Stang plays a Noo Yawker who befriends the rambunctious, chariot-racing and ass-kicking Hercules. In the trailer below, Stang’s the one in the cap and glasses, natch
1. Even in the Future, It’s All About Paper Money
Despite all the hi-tech gizmos on display, from the cryosleep pods and exo-skeletal warrior suits to the amazing Avatar-transplant technology, mankind still hasn’t evolved past folding paper money. Jake Sully’s brother — who has an enormous amount of R&D dollars invested in his PhD-achieving ass — dies because he’s robbed for the cash in his wallet. So it’s the decision to not move to an all-electronic funds transfer system by 2154 — hardly credible – that really determines Pandora’s fate.
2. With All that Technology, You’ll Still Need a Wheelchair
Sully is paralyzed from the waist down after a war wound, and thus he gets around in an old-fashioned wheelchair. It’s pretty crummy, really, that science has developed to the point where human consciousness can be transplanted into a genetically engineered 9-foot-tall Na’vi but a spinal column can’t be given an overhaul while-U-wait. Sully explains it costs too much for the lowly likes of himself. Well, that sure sucks, but surely they could come up with a nifty set of mechanical legs for him, given the gnarly exo-suits on display everywhere you look.
3. Cigarettes Will Survive
Earth is now devoid of greenery but tobacco farming apparently still survives — as evidenced by Sigourney Weaver’s Grace Augustine lighting up every chance she gets. Even weirder is that, despite there being hundreds of highly stressed macho warriors stuck on Pandora for six years at a time, she seems to be the only smoker left. Where does she get them? And why does the industry serve one customer?
4. Pandora’s Mining Economy Might Not Stack Up
Doing nasty things the Na’vi to get precious Unobtainium is morally reprehensible, but it also might not really make the best business sense. We’re told the stuff (whose name is to sci-fi what the MacGuffin is to mystery thrillers) goes for — hold on to your piggy banks! — $20M a kilogram. Sounds impressive — until you factor in 145 years of inflation. Right now, platinum goes for about $46,000 a kilo. At 3 percent annual inflation for the next century and a half that becomes $3.5M. But given the state we’re told Earth is in, a 3 percent inflation rate seems pretty optimistic. At 4 percent, you’re looking at $13.5M. If it hits 5 percent then the going rate for platinum would reach $54M per kg. Now factor in the insane cost of traveling to a distant planet, waging a war and transporting Unobtainium back to Earth. Just saying the Corporation might be better off, y’know, growing weed.
5. Aussie-American Accents Are the Way of the 22nd Century
Good call, James Cameron, by letting Sam Worthington keep the Australian twang to his American accent. The actor’s voice maintains a pleasant consistency that wasn’t found in “Terminator Salvation” and recalls the tones of Mel Gibson. Maybe Cameron went a wee bit too far in that direction, though, in the “Braveheart” scene.
To read the rest, get your blue Na’vi ass over to my column at The Wrap.
Avatar’s 3-D revolution is but the culmination of 100-plus years of experimentation that includes…
…Odorama!
…Color!
…Snuff!
…Sound!
….Percepto!
and more!
Read all about the wonderful and plain weird ways moviemakers have advanced the art — and sold the hell out of their movies in my two-part-series at Rotten Tomatoes.
Click here for Part 1
And then here for Part 2
Bad Movies – they make the perfect Xmas gift! Check out these five cheesefests as possible presents…
The Giant Claw (1957)
After Warner Bros. had a hit with giant ants in 1954’s Them!, all sorts of giant low-budget bugs, arachnids and lizards descended on nuclear-paranoid middle America. The silliest by far was The Giant Claw, a humungous buzzard from a parallel dimension that’s approximately as frightening as Gonzo. Indeed, the creature bears more than a passing resemblance to that Muppet as it feasts on parachuting fighter pilots and hot-rodding teens. This cheese-fest wouldn’t have been nearly as entertaining had director Fred F. Sears, who’d had hits with Rock Around The Clock and Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers, gotten his first choice, Ray Harryhausen, as the film’s special effects artist. But cheapo producer Sam Katzman nixed the idea and thus the movie centers around a feathery puppet whose wire controls are so obvious you fear attacking model aircraft will crash into them.
Available as part of Sony’s fancifully titled “Icons Of Horror” collection that features — bonus! — three of other Sam Katzman’s B-grade monster movies. Amazon price: $19.99
For the other four, check out my piece at Movieline
Artists of all stripes repeat themselves, whether through themes, motifs or hues, and James Cameron is no exception. So the question I’ve been asking myself as I count down the days to Avatar’s debut is this: just how much of the long-awaited 3-D space blockbuster was predicted by the man’s inauspicious debut, 1981’s Piranha Part Two: The Spawning?
The notion sounded kind of silly, even to me as I dragged the musty old VHS from its dust-coated shelf in the Bad Movie archives. After all, how could a sequel to a Roger Corman Jaws rip-off that was made for a pittance nearly 30 years ago have anything – anything — to do with the quarter-billion dollar Movie That Will Revolutionize Cinema As We Know It™?
Read the rest of my investigation – sure to excite the Pulitzer Committee – at Movieline
A brave new world — starring Nicole Ritcie’s doppelganger!
Thanks to Luke for this one. If you’ve seen a bad-movie clip you want to share, please let me know at badmoviebook@yahoo.com
Here are the trailers for two “comedies” that boggle the mind. I’m not sure which one looks worse. Or exactly how many beers and bong hits it’d take to make either actually funny.
The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It
Transylmania
